I wanted to write some really profound lesson I learned from 2007, but so far I haven't come up with anything. What I've learned seems to be a random collection of observations, insights, and questions. Nevertheless, some of these might be useful or interesting, so here is a sampling:

FRIENDSHIP: Friendship is a funny thing. It is so desirable, yet in its purest form so unattainable. Most of my adult life I've tried so hard to cultivate friendships that I've suppressed my true personality, as well as my opinions and sometimes even convictions, believing that my true self is not sufficiently likable. But the result has been friendships that (with a few exceptions) barely exist, that are more illusion than reality — and there are not even many of those. I'm left believing that others like not the real me, but instead this limited and fine-tuned projection of me, if that. As a result, lately I have become a little more outspoken. So far it has neither helped nor hindered my relationships, but at least I feel more genuine. As much as I want to be likable, I feel even more compelled to be honest. Whether that will add or detract from my friendships remains to be seen, but either way I am willing to bear the consequences. This is partly because I have come to believe that a true friend will like me for who I am, and such a friendship will only blossom when who I am is outwardly apparent. (Of course, such a life must be lived in the context of who God wants me to be.)

CRUCIBLES: Recently my church denomination has been studying the subject of "crucibles" in the Christian life. The year 2007 was a crucible for me, in respect to my beliefs. A flood of hard questions came in on the one side, and my long-standing and deeply held convictions and beliefs were arrayed on the other. Many of these questions I still cannot answer. Many of them are my own questions, so I can't quite throw them out. But on the other hand, I am not ready to say that perfectly good and reasonable answers do not exist. And against these questions are strong arguments and evidences that say something else, that testify to the truthfulness of what I have believed. So here I am, with unanswered questions still lingering, and also a faith that I'm not willing to relinquish as long as it proves true. It is not an enviable position, but I am not sure it is a bad one either. Again, my desire is to be honest with myself and with truth. I realize we now "see through a glass darkly," and that one of the greatest lessons we can learn is meekness and trust. We cannot expect answers to everything. A world of answers would be a world that would not need faith.

OUTREACH: I have become very weary of an in-grown church life. Lately I have decided to participate in just about every outreach opportunity that comes along, whether it is finding Bible study interests (such as at GYC), passing out door hangers (what a group of us did recently in Benton), singing to residents at an assisted living center (what I joined on a recent Sabbath), or cleaning up thousands of mouse droppings and other filth from an infested home (something a small group of us did a number of months ago). Anything that I feel competent to do, I want to do. I think some of my friends are tired of hearing me play this one string, but I really believe the church in the Western world is dying for lack of outreach. Every time I hear about another church program, another social, another series, I want to say, "Enough! Let's focus a little more on output instead." I know the church needs regular study. I'm a teacher of an adult class at my church, and I think it's important to study. But I am also persuaded that input without output results in bloat and corruption. The true Christian faith has always been a religion of action, with a sense of responsibilty towards God for its influence and accomplishments in the world.

BLOGGING: One of my reasons for blogging has been to increase output. I came to realize that I have a wealth of knowledge and insight about all kinds of things. But I also came to see that I am like a book that is seldom read. Few ask me what I think about this or that. As for the others who never ask, maybe they don't care; or maybe they don't think I'm competent; or maybe they think I may know something, but I am not qualified enough, or humble enough, or interesting enough, or spiritual enough, or likable enough that they want to hear it from me. For whatever reasons, the information is not getting out. So I decided to do something about it. The fruit of this has not really been seen yet, since most of my blogs are about personal news. However, I have begun to dish up some spiritual content from time to time over on my Xanga blog. I had hoped that more people would "bite," but it hasn't happened. Initially I was a bit discouraged, but then I developed this attitude that, no matter if not one single person read or responded to what I wrote, I would still write, because I think my ideas need to be shared. I'm not sure anyone else feels this way about my beliefs, but I am convicted that my beliefs are my most valuable asset, even more valuable than my creativity or my skills as a graphic designer or computer tech person. I don't want to be held culpable of neglecting the light that I have. It may be that these beliefs do not amount to much. But I cannot judge that. All I know is that sharing them is important to me, and apparently important to God who I believe is the source of all truth. I have not yet found or developed a suitable venue for most of what I want to share, but I am working on it.

TIME: Time passes so quickly. Recently I went to a clinic for a checkup. I joked with the doctor that I was coming for a routine checkup, just six months late. She looked at me quizzically, and replied, "You haven't been here for almost two years." For a moment I thought she must be mistaken. But no, she was right. My life goes by in such a blur. Not only does time pass quickly, but once gone, it is gone for good. I think we've all had the experience of thinking back to events in the past, and wishing we could alter this or that. Rash actions, foolish choices, wasted opportunities, and stretches of life lost to fear or passivity are strewn across my memory. How I would love to flutter back through time and try another path (though doubtless it would be disposed to a whole different class of mistakes and follies). But one truth that has been firmly rooted in my mind in the past several years is the permanence of our choices. Every brick in the road of time is laid forever. Every choice is eternal. What I do today can never be undone. And this — is good news! Because it also means that every lesson learned is forever, and every grief endured, every trial overcome, every bad habit corrected is a fact that cannot be altered. Mistakes are tragic, but also essential, because once overcome they are the foundation on which firmer resolutions and deeper resolves are built. Furthermore, what happens now is anchored in time, but what happens hereafter is loosed from time. Time as we know it, with all of its baggage, will one day be gone. But, if we are saved, who we are lasts forever.

INEVITABILITY: A while back I had a discussion with a friend about time, divine foreknowledge, predestination, free will — and quantum physics. I know: Philosophers, theologians, and skeptics have been batting these ideas around for centuries. Who are we, my friend and I, to resolve it all in a brief chit chat one Friday evening? It's a fascinating pursuit for me, opinionated amateur philosopher-theologian that I am. For my part, I believe in all three doctrines: God's omniscience (including the future in detail), our predestination, and freedom of the will. I tried to explain this apparent paradox to my friend, who takes a very different (and, in his mind, more liberating) view. I think we found some common ground, but whether we found substantial agreement is not yet clear. At a point the conversation became a little heated, which I regretted — but was that inevitable? In a certain sense yes, in another sense no — such is the freedom my paradoxical beliefs afford me. But the kind of inevitability I'm aiming for in this paragraph is really a different kind than any of that. I sense a certain kinship with God, who knowing the Fall of humankind nevertheless created them. He loved them enough to will Himself to be hurt by them. Have you ever had the sense that what you were about to say or do would not be understood by those around you, and would backfire on you in such a way as to hurt you profoundly — and yet you knew you had to go ahead and say or do this thing anyway? This seems to be the story of my life lately. I feel like I'm my own worst enemy. But ... it's for the greater good. Actually it's for my own good, and everyone else's. But it still hurts to choose the path that breaks a friendship, when breaking the friendship is the last thing I wanted. I saw it coming ... and chose it anyway — inevitable as my own free will.

Tags: theology, philosophy, devotional, blogging

Wow, I can't believe it's been a month since I wrote anything here. I recently posted a poem on my Xanga blog, "From His Presence." Click here to read it.

Tags: poetry, devotional, theology